Thursday, December 4, 2014

Healing

Let me preface this post: I have no issues whatsoever with Cade's Down syndrome now.  I embrace him for who he is and I love every single chromosome.  But once upon a time...

When I found out Cade would have Down syndrome, I was alternately relieved and absolutely crushed.  Relieved because I knew he would survive.  I had worried that he might have T13 or T18, both generally fatal at birth, so T21 was a huge relief.  But I was also crushed because very few people actually hope their baby will be born with a disability.  I grieved for us and for him.  Life would be harder, and I didn't know if we were ready for that. 

Before I bury the headline, here's the crux of my blog post...yesterday was our two-year anniversary of receiving the diagnosis. 

I didn't think of it once all day.

Not even once.  It completely slipped my mind until this morning.  And today, I realized that time and experience are healing.  Two years ago today I was crushed, obliterated, wiped out.  I spent a lot of the day crying.  And I didn't spend much of the night sleeping.  It seems silly now, in hindsight, but that was a dark time for me.  Sometimes during the darkest part of the night, I wondered if miscarriage would be easier. 

After a few days, my heart and mind calmed down and I composed a long letter to my family.  It started like this:




It really didn't take too long and I was in a much better frame of mind.  But the heartsick feelings of that day have stuck around some.  Last year at this time I was too overwhelmed with leftover emotion to write any blog posts.  In fact, it set off 6 months of writer's block!  

And this year, I forgot all about it!  What a refreshing feeling.  



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